An Alien Palm Pilot?

Brings us thoughts that I agree with!

BY COLIN ENQUIST

I was walking home from getting a slurpee the other day and found this funny looking gadget which seemed to be a sleeker version of a palm pilot. To my confusion it was covered in weird symbols that I did not quite understand. With no buttons on the device I could not figure out how to turn it on. All of a sudden the screen flickered on displaying a message.

My name is Kklahta and I am from the planet Maazal. If you found this I am either dead or have picked up on your species’ talent you call clumsiness and lost my communicator. I am unrecognizable to your species because we Maazalians can shape shift to any object, living or inanimate, so you may have walked right by me one day. My mission is to observe and report back to my world about your planet Earth.

After I finally finished freaking out that I had just found an alien palm pilot, I started reading what he thought was worthwhile to report. I found this to be one of the most interesting write-ups that Kklahta did. Agreeing with his opinions and critiques of the way our movie theatres our run, I thought I would share Kklahta’s thoughts with you. Sadly minutes after I copied the file to this very website several dozen government agents broke through my door and questioned me for hours, and topped the night off by 'confiscating' the device.

Today’s Earth Date is July 13th, 2009
Maazal Date is 3791095.

I find myself getting more annoyed with the little nuisances this puny planet seems to ignore. Items like driving slower than the posted speed limit (I can not imagine what would happen if someone tried this on the Intergalactic Arc-Speed-Highway), cutting in the many queues at earthly venues and the infinitesimal IQ levels, and those who display a disconcerting lack of common sense. Any of these things would get you vaporized or eaten on many planets part of the Unity Galactica Union.

After I had a horrible experience watching a so called “movie”, my fellow compatriots at work said I went to the wrong place. Apparently I went to the wrong theatre; they tell me there is a better one only blocks in the other direction from my current dwelling. I complained about the dreaded line of humans and they told me something I was not aware of, you could purchase your tickets on the interweb to avoid the dreadful line up. So this is me giving them one more chance to find out if I like this favourite human past time.

The first film I saw was called Monsters vs. Aliens. I could not believe how the humans thought other world’s creatures looked. So many forms of racism towards over a dozen worlds are littered throughout the movie. Not to mention that if those monsters were supposed to be scary then I hope they never run into a Lipideeas monster from the Hunkiuk planets. So I decided to see a film more along the lines of what humans experienced early in their lifetime. The title of the film I decided upon was Year One.

Like I was told, I purchased my ticket online and printed out a little bar code onto a giant sheet of paper. Why they must use so much paper for a tiny bar code is very confusing. As I arrive at the big building with massive car parkade (they really need to invest in shrinking technology that is used out in the Svetlor sectors) I pass by some young Earth beings that seem to be inhaling something from a tiny white paper pencil. The aroma is intoxicating. I refrain from going over and taking the item from their feeble fingers. Walking through one of the twelve doorways I laugh, stupid humans, waiting in line to purchase a ticket. I playfully mock a few as I walk towards the entrance way to theatre 7. To my dismay I am turned away. I have been lied to. The online tickets are not actually tickets at all, they just reserve your ticket, now I must backtrack to the enormous parade of people waiting and patiently linger. The good news, the human spawn that was puffing the white paper pencil is in front of me. The bad news, they leave once I take a sniff of the back of their head. Whatever they were inhaling is an aroma I should investigate for back home. Finally I get to the front of the line. The lady has trouble getting her primitive scanner to read my bar code on the printed ticket.

Now that I have finished one line I must move on to the next. This next procession is for my purchase of beverage and food. I purchase combo number 4 as it reads “best value”; sadly I am perplexed when all I get is a small drink, bag of popcorn and a little piece of candy. Honestly, I just depleted 2 hours worth of Earth money on an item that could be prepared for 1/10th of the value I just paid.

I step into the dark and desolate theatre which has the eerie stench of a sugary butter. Throwing my jacket, drink and popcorn into a seat, I find myself unable to read my magazine which I had obtained for free before entering, and I trudge back to the hallway outside the theatre. I am trying to comprehend the advertisement laced magazine they supply me with (free of charge) and I am not sure if my brain hurts because I tried to examine the publication in the dimness or it is the material itself. Maybe if I broke through the door titled “staff only”, I could force them to illuminate the theatre in which I am going to be watching the movie. Why I must sit in the dim lit room and try to read in an almost unreadable light is beyond my comprehension.

Well, I must sign off, the picture has started to move and I am being told to shut off all mobile devices. Even though I do not think it would matter, as last movie there were many devices being used during the film. Hopefully this time I will not have an Earth offspring screaming into my ears for the entire occasion.

I am currently in lawsuit with the government agents over the stolen property. Hopefully if I win the legal battle, I can share other items that Kklahta had to say. Don’t hold your breathe though, the lawyers are warning me that it is going to be a long drawn out battle.