An Alien Palm Pilot?

Brings us thoughts that I agree with!

BY COLIN ENQUIST

I was walking home from getting a slurpee the other day and found this funny looking gadget which seemed to be a sleeker version of a palm pilot. To my confusion it was covered in weird symbols that I did not quite understand. With no buttons on the device I could not figure out how to turn it on. All of a sudden the screen flickered on displaying a message.

My name is Kklahta and I am from the planet Maazal. If you found this I am either dead or have picked up on your species’ talent you call clumsiness and lost my communicator. I am unrecognizable to your species because we Maazalians can shape shift to any object, living or inanimate, so you may have walked right by me one day. My mission is to observe and report back to my world about your planet Earth.

After I finally finished freaking out that I had just found an alien palm pilot, I started reading what he thought was worthwhile to report. I found this to be one of the most interesting write-ups that Kklahta did. Agreeing with his opinions and critiques of the way our movie theatres our run, I thought I would share Kklahta’s thoughts with you. Sadly minutes after I copied the file to this very website several dozen government agents broke through my door and questioned me for hours, and topped the night off by 'confiscating' the device.

Today’s Earth Date is July 13th, 2009
Maazal Date is 3791095.

I find myself getting more annoyed with the little nuisances this puny planet seems to ignore. Items like driving slower than the posted speed limit (I can not imagine what would happen if someone tried this on the Intergalactic Arc-Speed-Highway), cutting in the many queues at earthly venues and the infinitesimal IQ levels, and those who display a disconcerting lack of common sense. Any of these things would get you vaporized or eaten on many planets part of the Unity Galactica Union.

After I had a horrible experience watching a so called “movie”, my fellow compatriots at work said I went to the wrong place. Apparently I went to the wrong theatre; they tell me there is a better one only blocks in the other direction from my current dwelling. I complained about the dreaded line of humans and they told me something I was not aware of, you could purchase your tickets on the interweb to avoid the dreadful line up. So this is me giving them one more chance to find out if I like this favourite human past time.

The first film I saw was called Monsters vs. Aliens. I could not believe how the humans thought other world’s creatures looked. So many forms of racism towards over a dozen worlds are littered throughout the movie. Not to mention that if those monsters were supposed to be scary then I hope they never run into a Lipideeas monster from the Hunkiuk planets. So I decided to see a film more along the lines of what humans experienced early in their lifetime. The title of the film I decided upon was Year One.

Like I was told, I purchased my ticket online and printed out a little bar code onto a giant sheet of paper. Why they must use so much paper for a tiny bar code is very confusing. As I arrive at the big building with massive car parkade (they really need to invest in shrinking technology that is used out in the Svetlor sectors) I pass by some young Earth beings that seem to be inhaling something from a tiny white paper pencil. The aroma is intoxicating. I refrain from going over and taking the item from their feeble fingers. Walking through one of the twelve doorways I laugh, stupid humans, waiting in line to purchase a ticket. I playfully mock a few as I walk towards the entrance way to theatre 7. To my dismay I am turned away. I have been lied to. The online tickets are not actually tickets at all, they just reserve your ticket, now I must backtrack to the enormous parade of people waiting and patiently linger. The good news, the human spawn that was puffing the white paper pencil is in front of me. The bad news, they leave once I take a sniff of the back of their head. Whatever they were inhaling is an aroma I should investigate for back home. Finally I get to the front of the line. The lady has trouble getting her primitive scanner to read my bar code on the printed ticket.

Now that I have finished one line I must move on to the next. This next procession is for my purchase of beverage and food. I purchase combo number 4 as it reads “best value”; sadly I am perplexed when all I get is a small drink, bag of popcorn and a little piece of candy. Honestly, I just depleted 2 hours worth of Earth money on an item that could be prepared for 1/10th of the value I just paid.

I step into the dark and desolate theatre which has the eerie stench of a sugary butter. Throwing my jacket, drink and popcorn into a seat, I find myself unable to read my magazine which I had obtained for free before entering, and I trudge back to the hallway outside the theatre. I am trying to comprehend the advertisement laced magazine they supply me with (free of charge) and I am not sure if my brain hurts because I tried to examine the publication in the dimness or it is the material itself. Maybe if I broke through the door titled “staff only”, I could force them to illuminate the theatre in which I am going to be watching the movie. Why I must sit in the dim lit room and try to read in an almost unreadable light is beyond my comprehension.

Well, I must sign off, the picture has started to move and I am being told to shut off all mobile devices. Even though I do not think it would matter, as last movie there were many devices being used during the film. Hopefully this time I will not have an Earth offspring screaming into my ears for the entire occasion.

I am currently in lawsuit with the government agents over the stolen property. Hopefully if I win the legal battle, I can share other items that Kklahta had to say. Don’t hold your breathe though, the lawyers are warning me that it is going to be a long drawn out battle.

50 Scariest Movies of All-Time?!

'The Thing' is the "scariest movie...ever!" according to 'Boston'

It seems like quite the task, but Boston.com (home of The Boston Globe) has come up with what they consider to be the "Top 50 Scariest Movies of All-Time," a list that has its omissions, but warrants some definite approval of the biggest of horror cinema fans.

They included most of the indisputable films of the last 50 years, such as Ridley Scott's Alien (#5), John Carpenter's Halloween (#9), William Friedkin's The Exorcist (#14), and Jonathan Demme's The Silence of the Lambs (#22). But it's their choice to reign Carpenter's The Thing (1982) (pictured top right) supreme as the scariest flick on the list, that many would beg to differ. A young Kurt Russell stars in the cult classic as a helicopter pilot who is part of a scientific crew that is stranded at a U.S. research base in the Anarctic, where they become the prey of "the thing." It proved even more terrifying than the 1951 original that it borrowed its story from, but No.1?!

Even more concerning, though, is the addition of some features that were never meant to be scary, like the children's classic Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971) at #47, and most suspiciously, 2006's Jesus Camp (#17), a documentary that follows the God-fearin' church children that are essentially brain-washed into faithfully devoting themselves to the words of the Bible. Truth be told, Jesus Camp induced a different kind of fear, one that felt more real than any Wes Craven nightmare or Ridley Scott alien, because it's based on actual events!

Then again, Open Water (#37) was also based on a true story, while The Exorcist (#14) and The Amittyville Horror (#39) were also supposedly inspired--loosely--on real events. Other films on the list, such as Jaws (#15), The Silence of the Lambs (#22), and Arachnophobia (#50) (pictured bottom right), are easily possible. Now that's scary!

According to Boston.com we are currently in the "scariest" decade for filmmaking, as there are more movies (14) from 2000-08 than any other decade, followed by the '70s (13), the '80s (12), and the '90s (7), while the '50s (1) and '60s (3) came up short, barely sending a chill down our backs. There was a concentration of horror classics during the late 1970s that really brought the genre to its knees, including cult favs like Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978), Dawn of the Dead (1978) (pictured left), Halloween (1978), Alien (1979), and The Amittyville Horror (1979), all of which have been remade in some form or another.

Compiling the 50 scariest motion pictures is not exactly a new premise, but this updated chart brings some new blood to an ever-growing genre of gore and horror, and definitely hits home with some stand-out picks. Personally, I was more than satisfied to see some under-appreciated and overlooked gems mentioned, including Peter Medak's The Changeling (1980), John Carpenter's In the Mouth of Madness (1994), Danny Boyle's 28 Days Later (2002), Frank Darabont's The Mist (2007), and even Frank Marshall's creepy spider fest Arachnophobia (1990), all terrifying in their own way.

The site's staff were also aware of the foreign efforts that have thrilled North American audiences for years, paying homage to nations like England (The Wicker Man, The Innocents), Canada (Videodrome, The Changeling), Japan (Ju-on, Audition), Spain (REC), Italy (The Gates of Hell), and even South Korea (A Tale of Two Sisters). But the heart of evil seems to fit squarely in Hollywood, where they make the best of the worst nightmares come true, and where legendary directors like Kubrick (The Shining), Spielberg (Jaws), Romero (Dawn of the Dead), Carpenter (The Thing), and Demme (The Silence of the Lambs) produce the best scary movies of all.

Another legend of the American horror experience is iconic novelist Stephen King, who's books are responsible for no less than four of the top 50 films: The Shining at No.11, The Mist at No.28, Salem's Lot at No.34, and Pet Sematary at No.38. Not surprisingly, King's only foray into directing, 1986's disasterous Maximum Overdrive, failed to make the final draft.

From 1953's The War of the Worlds (No.25) to last year's Cloverfield (No.12) we, as an audience, have had the shit scared right out of us, and as we become immune to flesh-eating zombies and blood-sucking vampires, Hollywood (& beyond) is forced to come up with new ways to evoke fear. We've been exposed to cannibalism (The Silence of the Lambs), ritualistic murders (Se7en), repulsive experimentation (Eraserhead), Satanism (Rosemary's Baby), masked psychopaths (Halloween), haunted houses (The Amittyville Horror), killer sharks (Jaws), and even a demonic pinhead (Hellraiser), yet we continue to forage for even more.

But what we don't see on this list is a number of high profile efforts that would pain superfans indefinitely, as Boston.com admits its omits of some memorable films, such as Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho (1960), George A. Romero's Night of the Living Dead (1968), Brian De Palma's Carrie (1976), Tobe Hooper's Poltergeist (1982), and any of the countless Friday the 13th thrashers (1980-2009).

Then there's The Omen (1976), the original Evil Dead (1982), Near Dark (1987), The Blair Witch Project (1999), and 28 Weeks Later (2007), all left on the sidelines, but seemingly necessary to forfill a list such as this. And if you're gonna include the unconventional Jesus Camp, then what about other fear mongering documentaries, like Michael Moore's Bowling for Columbine (2002), Davis Guggenheim's An Inconvenient Truth (2006), and Dylan Avery's Loose Change series (2006-09)?


I guess we'll just have to accept the list as is, but you're more than welcome to submit some of your own omissions or confess your agreeance with any of the picks. Below is the complete list of Boston.com's "50 Scariest Movies," as well as the year they were released and their directors.

1. The Thing (1982)-John Carpenter
2. Ju-on (2000)-Takashi Shimizu
3. REC (2007)-Jaume Balaguero, Paco Plaza
4. The Ring (2002)-Gore Verbinski
5. Alien (1979)-Ridley Scott
6. Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)-Philip Kaufman
7. Dawn of the Dead (1978)-George A. Romero
8. Evil Dead II (1987)-Sam Raimi
9. Halloween (1978)-John Carpenter
10. Audition (1999)-Takashi Miike
11. The Shining (1980)-Stanley Kubrick
12. Cloverfield (2008)-Matt Reeves
13. Quatermass and the Pit (1968)-Roy Ward Baker
14. The Exorcist (1973)-William Friedkin
15. Jaws (1975)-Steven Spielberg
16. Jacob's Ladder (1990)-Adrian Lyne
17. Jesus Camp (2006)-Heidi Ewing, Rachel Grady
18. 28 Days Later (2002)-Danny Boyle
19. The Changeling (1980)-Peter Medak
20. Hellraiser (1987)-Clive Barker
21. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)-Tobe Hooper
22. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)-Jonathan Demme
23. A Tale of Two Sisters (2003)-Kim Ji-woon
24. Saw (2004)-James Wan
25. The War of the Worlds (1953)-Byron Haskin
26. Se7en (1995)-David Fincher
27. Videodrome (1983)-David Cronenberg
28. The Mist (2007)-Frank Darabont
29. The Mothman Prophecies (2002)-Mark Pellington
30. Altered States (1980)-Ken Russell
31. In the Mouth of Madness (1994)-John Carpenter
32. Session 9 (2001)-Brad Anderson
33. The Gates of Hell (1980)-Lucio Fulci
34. Salem's Lot (1979)-Tobe Hooper
35. The Fly (1986)-David Cronenberg
36. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)-Wes Craven
37. Open Water (2003)-Chris Kentis
38. Pet Sematary (1989)-Mary Lambert
39. The Amityville Horror (1979)-Stuart Rosenberg
40. Eraserhead (1977)-David Lynch
41. Dawn of the Dead (2004)-Zack Snyder
42. Event Horizon (1997)-Paul W.S. Anderson
43. The Brood (1979)-David Cronenberg
44. Rosemary's Baby (1968)-Roman Polanski
45. The Blob (1988)-Chuck Russell
46. The Wicker Man (1973)-Robin Hardy
47. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)-Mel Stuart
48. Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 (2000)-Joe Berlinger
49. The Innocents (1961)-Jack Clayton
50. Arachnophobia (1990)-Frank Marshall